Confessions

I have been writing on and off for 14 years. What a weird time for me to begin again.

When I first started writing, it was because I needed to. I was obsessed with World of Warcraft and I would not shut up about the game. I was also stuck in a small dorm room with a friend of mine, and could only rant at him for so long before he’d throw me out the window. I read blogs compulsively, learned how to make my own, and now we’re here.

There’s some in-between, obviously, but there’s the gist of it. I felt a need to express something, and I did so.

I found other ways to express myself too. A YouTube channel, painting, a lot of creative outlets. Now I find myself stuck at most of them, unsure of what to do. My life feels the same.

Maybe I’ll have something more to say another day, something more interesting. I’d like that. As it stands, though, I have no plan and no idea what I’m even doing here. I’m typing because typing feels good. I’m writing because I haven’t done it in a while, and I missed it. I wonder if that’s enough.

I’ve been listening to books lately, having someone else read them while I do chores. Just this morning I sawed apart a fallen branch while listening to a book called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F&$%” and, despite some more “cool” writing, the book is interesting. I also listened to DUNE, so I kind of get the hype behind the book, and Foundations, whose TV Show is super different than the book. Not entirely without good reason, either.

I thought about writing articles about my most enduring hobby outside of gaming, Warhammer, but facts are facts: I suck at it and I feel there’d be no value for anyone else reading. That said, I have painted a lot of toy soldiers, and am still trying to be more creative and build some terrain for the little bastards to fight over.

It feels like I haven’t had a “proper” job in a while. I’ve been running a few Dungeons and Dragons groups for kids, like an after-school camp, for the past few years: downside here is that it pays just enough to eat some food if I’m good about rationing. I’m not even going to touch on the topic of rent or anything else, I’m just lucky to be alive right now. I’m surprised I haven’t been disowned.

I stuck the Lord of Cinder from Dark Souls 3 at the top in the picture because I admit to feeling a little hollow these days. It is likely depression, but I don’t have the money nor inclination to fight it. I used to. I don’t anymore. I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go before going completely hollow.

Still, I’m writing again. I hope for a longer period. I hope it helps me work through what’s happening now.