I have recently become the second cousin of a newborn child, even though I’ll likely be known as Uncle Phil when he gets older. He is adorable, he is chubby, and above all, he is a playah.
Just by existing, every woman in the room was doing the following:
-Massaging his feet.
-Massaging his scalp.
-To add to the massaging thing, they gave him back rubs.
And all of this for free, no complaints. Even when he puked, farted, burped, cried, and drooled on them, they gave him nothing but love and cooing.
For all the single men out there, I have one, just one, piece of advice; find a baby, and learn how it does these things. If men could just walk through a store and get free massages from every woman he passed, that would be a very perfect, although very male oriented world. Seriously? Back rubs? I want them all the time. Little Lucas gets them by farting. I get them if I’m good and behave, and if Lorelai is actually anywhere near me to begin with. I mean, who do I have to kill to get a back rub whenever I want?
Never mind, scratch that. No killing for back rubs. Klondike bars, however…
You know what else is funny? If a man is carrying the baby, his baby becomes the center of attention; however, simply because he’s the father of the baby, he’s also instantly desirable. It’s like a passive bonus to all allies within arms reach that they become chick magnets as well, even though they really shouldn’t be as they are taken, and out of the market anyway.
Which begs the question: are women really that crazy? I’ve seen it a million times in my short life already, where a man is hit on by a woman even though that man is really, really off limits. It’s almost as if the women in question were like moths to a flame! Why one earth do they do it? Are they bored?
Go find a baby and massage his feet. It’s more productive and gives a baby some much needed tension relief. Because babies are tense.