Excerpt from my journal, dated June 12th, 2016
I’ve had a slight epiphany about my mental state. A problem (one of many) I have is self-worth; lack of confidence aside, there’s nothing I find I’m particularly good at… save one thing.
And I do tie a lot of my self-esteem & worth to games as a result. So much so that, if not consciously but unconsciously so, I deem myself worth lots of little depending on the outcome of a game.
I read an article online about 3 weeks ago about boxers and their drive to win. Paraphrasing, and grossly simplifying, at some point it mentioned the vanity of being a boxer, a fighter in a ring surrounded by lights and a cheering crowd, all of this fueling the fighter’s need for acceptance and pride. Interesting, I thought then. Relevant?
My point here is that games fulfill the same niche for me, an outlet for whatever pride I have to be re-fueled & sharpened. It explains much: for instance, my love of competitive multiplayer games, my sullen grumpy attitude when I lose, my depression when I can’t “show off” on twitch.tv or make videos for YouTube.
In fact, YouTube was never about self-betterment; no, it was an attempt to show off how mych better I was than most. I tried to become popular in the worst ways for myself, by tying my worth to it. I made YouTube my boxing ring and winning my crowd pleaser, a boyish and adolescent fantasy at best.
Games are fine: my attitude towards them, in relation to them, is toxic. I need to think about this.
End of excerpt