Over the past few weeks, but especially this week, I feel that I have had issues with my attitude, and with my conduct in general. I’ve been angry and irritable, and I’ve been expressing that anger horribly. For that, I’m sorry.
The real question is how to stop this. I really wish I knew how to not be angry all the time. I constantly feel like I’m on the cusp of just… blowing up, all the time. It’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s especially bad when I know it’s coming and I can’t stop the feeling from welling up, causing all reason to fade into the back as white noise as my rage consumes literally my every thought. I yell, I shout, I swear and it’s ugly.
Some people have found it funny, on occasion. It’s not, really, but my angry mind comes up with some creative curses. That’s not acceptable though; that same rage has started to turn on those people, and the joke suddenly isn’t funny. RageWolf, as it is known, is not a kind person or somebody I’m proud to be.
I don’t want to be known for my anger or frustration. I don’t want to be remembered as a person who’s only response is defensiveness and full on fury. My legacy in any world shouldn’t be how I set fire to the things I grew to hate, because the only thing that will do is scorch the ground of my life into an untenable crisp.
I know these things but… acting on them isn’t easy. I feel melancholy and bored, lazy, or even just straight up resentful of my existence at times. When something doesn’t go my way, I explode. It doesn’t matter how small the issue: the anger just takes over.
I don’t know who said that you should just let your anger out, but whoever they were, that was a horrible piece of advice. The only things I feel once I vent are regret and frustration, which fuel into the problem again to create an even bigger issue the next time. It’s the worst feedback simulator in progress, and I have no idea how it was set up in the first place.
We’ve all gotten angry at something for little reason; but the more I think about this the more I realize this has been a problem since I was little. Everything from practicing piano, to developing into a horrible student, and even my introversion all show symptoms of being affected or somewhat causally involved with aspects of my life since I was little. The roots to this problem go deep, and I don’t know how to rip this weed from there.
I might need help in the next while folks. Something aint right.