I wasn’t lying in my last post: I was completely devoted to making this blog be a compilation of a chapter of goodness between me and Lorelai. I also wasn’t lying when I said that chapter of my life was over.
What I neglected to tell people was that the other reason I closed down the blog was because far too many people that I wished I could rant about and not hurt were getting hurt by rants I had done. I wanted to rant in peace, gods be damned!
The thing is, that matter is easily fixed: stop being a spiteful, angry person. Ranting is fine, but ranting so mechantly (say it Frenchly, it makes more sense!) about the people I wuv is wrong. I need to grow up, says I. So I’ll try.
Which means that the only reason left was Lorelai’s chapter, a part of my life I had loved, and now lost. If that chapter had ended, then why shouldn’t the page? My thinking was that with Lorelai gone, I shouldn’t bother writing in the same book anymore, and leave that whole thing in the past where it damn well belonged.
Well, to and extent, that’s completely right. Leaving that in the past should be what is good for my health; but at the risk of sounding stupid, I also need to embrace that past. My time with Lorelai, though jam packed with things that make me sad at times, is also stuffed with times that make me smile and laugh. Why should I push this past, beautiful and perfectly composed, away from me? I shouldn’t! So why did I try?
Maybe it was a lack of confidence. Maybe it was a surge of depression. Either way, it coalesced into a fear of writing.
And that, as we both know, is something I love too much to let me down for too long. I developed my love of writing in High School. It came to fruition in first year with Slow Wolf. It continued to grow with every post I wrote in Phil, Meet World. Why let this kind of growth end?
I will accept my mistakes. I will accept my past. I will continue to write with new resolve, and I will continue to be absolutely, to borrow a word from someone who’s vocabulary I admire very much, fuckawesome.
Oh, and I plan to smile more. 🙂