If there’s one thing that haunts me every time I lose someone in my life, it’s the regrets of what I could have done to make their life better, and how I fucked up what could have been awesome.
When I was little, I had a friend called Andrew. He and I were the best of friends, from Baseball to watching the same movies. Granted, I sucked at Baseball, so it was more his thing but I really enjoyed playing and talking with him.
In any case, I remember when I found his pumpkin themed fishing toy. It was one of those old toys that you had to wind up and then it span in a circle. As the toy span, slowly mind you, little fish would bob up and down, and you would take a magnetic fishing rod and try to catch them.
So I found his toy, and we played with it for awhile. Thing is, I lost it, and couldn’t remember where I put it. He didn’t talk to me for a week, until I remembered I had lost it under the couch.
See, I remember this shit, instead of my homework. Fuck my useless brain.
Lately, I lost my girlfriend, Lorelai. She was beautiful, smart, and funny. She was perfect, and I fucked it all up due to my stubborn bad habits and a terrible tendency to lie about small, tiny things that shouldn’t matter, on top of being lazy.
And when push came to shove, and I couldn’t change enough? I lost her. It had to happen, so I would stop hurting her. After all this, I keep pushing replay on the times I spent with her: picnics where we saved toads from getting squashed, movies we saw, music we listened to…
Point is, I keep replaying what I did wrong, and what I did right. I keep telling myself not to beat myself up, I just need to work at it, but…
Anyways, it looks like I’m on my own again. I really wish I could pull up the collar on my coat, the wind blowing in my face, and just turn away; but the thought of her just keeps pulling me back into my thoughts, causing me to keep thinking.
The worst part of all of this is the thought that all I did was make her life miserable for as long as we were together. That one thought alone creates a pit in my stomach, and it really bugs me.
*sigh* Either way, I’m a lone wolf now. I need to man up, and learn to live, depending on myself only. That way, the only thing I can hurt is me, and that alone is a fine idea by my standards.