A local Scottish man named MacGamut was killed here on campus last week.
The cause of death appears to be a combination of burns, beatings, and even forms of cannibalism.
Despite this violent and brutal murder, the students of the Music department seem to be completely fine. In fact, most seem happier than usual, says retired Professor Palmer.
“I don’t quite understand how this tragic loss of life can be a cause for happiness.” he said. “Mr. MacGamut was instrumental in helping teach our students here at the University. His loss will be heartfelt.”
While Mr. Palmer is grieving this loss, none of the students share his concern. In fact, some students have celebrated the demise of Mr. Macgamut, and held parties to celebrate his passing.
“Don’t get me wrong, we’re partying ’cause he’s dead,” an errant drunk student exclaimed, “we’re just so happy we don’t have to see him no more.”
“Now pass me the hooch.” He added.
Indeed, the parties were large and numerous, and each one got out of hand and required local police and fire precincts to respond. Numerous students were arrested for noise complaints and pee stains on local housing.
One student has been put under arrest, under suspicion of ingesting Mr. MacGamut. The identity of the student is being kept confidential for safety reasons, and because he threatened to eat us if we released his name. His lawyer, Brian Clendenan, says he’s perfectly innocent.
“They claim they have photographic evidence of of him eating the remains of MacGamut. I mean, really? As if they had that kind of evidence. My partner, Mel Wright, was also arrested for eating his remains, but it turns out it their evidence was Mrs. Wright attempting to eat a disk with his name on it! Their evidence could easily have been doctored.”
The police have said that the photographic evidence obviously shows otherwise. I asked the policeman in charge of the investigation, Mr. Drew Robertson, if he would divulge the photographic evidence, which he kindly let us show here.
These images are incredibly graphic.
Mr. Clendenan still contends the issue. “The man was obviously not eating anyone. The image is obviously a very realistic one, but his ears are far too weird to be real. And look at his eye brows! No one has eye brows like that unless he has trained caterpillars on his face. This is and always has been a doctored photo.”
“I have to admit though, that blood is uncanny. It looks like the real thing.”