Reeses Are Reproducing At An Alarming Rate, Study Shows

A nest of fledgling Reeses. The mother box protects her young with her sturdy frame.

Sunday April 18th, 2010

A recent study performed by the students at the local University shows that Reeses are now multiplying at an alarming rate.

Reeses are large, and can cause severe decay and lethal allergic reactions.  They move quickly, and seem to spawn in well crowded areas with lots of food.

The University has tried to find ways to eliminate the infestation before it grows too large to handle.  One of the clerks at the cafeteria says it might be too late.

“We’ve been swamped with these buggers for almost a year now.” She showed me the cafeteria snack racks, covered in vicious Reeses.  “It’s not like I can get rid of ’em either! They just keep coming back.”

There is hope, however.  Local exterminators have called for some severe, and probably inhumane methods of quelling the Reese invasion: eating them.  I caught up with local exterminator Sinan Khalaf to inquire further.

“Well, they’re full of good nutrients.  Proteins, lots of those.  If anything, they’re actually incredibly tasty raw.”  He picked up an errant Reese and ate it raw in front of me.  “See the inside? The lighter the brown, the younger he was.  This one was about 4 days.”

Mr. Khalaf has been teaching people how to properly eat Reeses since this recent rise of Reese population.  So far, he says, it’s keeping the population in check; but not everyone feels this is the right way.  Gillian Alexander, one of the students at the University, has vocally opposed this movement since the invasion began.

“This is inhumane! It’s like eating sugary, tasty, delicious mice to keep rodents down, or chewing up buttery, nut filled rats!” She claims to have never eaten one, but when we asked about the brown coloured residue around her mouth and on her hands, she had no comment.

Other students simply pass it off as a random flux in the nature of things.

“I don’t care what happens to them,” says a Ms. Tara Hogan, “just don’t get the disgusting things anywhere near me.”

It’s estimated to believe that the cost for getting rid of the Reeses will be about $2 per Reese, for a total of several thousand dollars for the city alone.  Mr. Khalaf insists that citizens can do their part by eating them all before it’s too late.

“Just remember to brush your teeth after,” he said, “thoroughly.”



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