Electric Cigarettes: The Rant

Shock therapy included, FREE!

This morning, I was making breakfast when I heard the most retarded thing ever on the radio.

It was an advertisement for an electric cigarette.  To help quit smoking.

Before I outline just how goddamn stupid this is, I would like to describe the ad.  For those in Michigan, you might know what I’m talking about.

A little girl talks about how she wishes her dad would stop smoking so he could live longer and see her graduate, get married, so on and so forth.  All very sad; it’s a typical “Stop smoking!” add.  Smokers, consider this your last warning: YOU MAY OR MAY NOT DIE.

Now, this is where it gets really, really dumb.  An announcer, the kind that goes “Oneeighthundredtwentyfivetwo, thirtyfivethirtyfive!” and then repeats it as if hearing this verbal diarrhea a second time would help, now starts to talk.  It goes from depressing to peddling in the matter of a couple of seconds, giving various tidbits of how useful and fulfilling this new electric cigarette is; and wouldn’t you believe it, he finishes with a phone number said faster than the major fucking general!

Okay.  Let’s get this rant started.

What.  The.  SHIT!  There is NO reason that the “electric cigarette” should help WHATSOEVER! Why? Let’s re-examine the product.

It is the same shape and feel of a cigarette, that’s not too hard to do.  Apparently though, this rechargeable, metal piece of crap ALSO imitates the SMELL and TASTE of a cigarette.  Maybe they put in trace amounts of the actual chemicals, you say.  Well, you’re wrong, says I, because they also tout that the product has NONE of those chemicals.  NONE.  So it doesn’t smell or taste like a cigarette, which are likely the only things some people like about the damn things.

Ah, but I will give it something: it makes smoke.  Oh wait, sorry guys, that’s also a lie: it makes WATER VAPOUR in an effort to emulate smoke.  First, it’s VAPOUR, not burning tar, so it doesn’t have the same smell, look, or anything, which I’m sure for some smokers is the reason they enjoy it.  Secondly, water vapour? WATER?! Are these people INSANE?! You’re putting water… in and electrical device.  That needs to be plugged into an outlet to recharge.  So not only do you need to refill this P.O.S with electricity, but you’re putting WATER into the same damn place?

My friend Patrick brought up a good point on Facebook, though.  The main point of this machine is to stop addiction, and Patrick pointed out that maybe it would help by “going through the motions.”  That’s a good idea, but there’s a small problem with that.  A very large problem, in fact.

Let’s get at the root of the problem with this contraption.  My intelligent readers, why are cigarettes addictive? If you said “Nicotine addiction,” then you’re right! My question is this: what does this machine do to help with a chemical addiction? It doesn’t have any of the chemicals in any way, shape, or form.  It doesn’t help wean people off the toxins, or do anything of the sort.  In fact, wouldn’t you start suffering withdrawal? It’s like trying to pedal a bike up a hill without the goddamned pedals!

All it does… is blow steam.  ~$37 of steam, peddled at the speed of light, with a pathetic use of pathos, my least favourite form of argumentation.  I mean, who put that girl up to that commercial? She better have gotten a whole bucket of muffins for having to participate in that lousy excuse of a commercial for that lousy excuse of a smoking aid.


EDiT: Apparently, the damn thing is worth $137.  And they’re offering for FREE.  Huh, THAT doesn’t scream “trying to get it off of their hands.”



  1. I’d chuckle if someone got electrocuted because they were filling up their electric cigarettes. It’d be awful, but so god damn ironic.

    “Time to quit smoking!”
    *pours water*
    Electric Cigarettes, the silent killer!


  2. As a Psychologist I feel I should give some input on this topic. Smoking is both a substance addiction and a behavioral addiction. The reason many people fail to quit smoking is because they’re attempting to break both addictions at the same time. This product attempts to give you the habitual outlet while letting you kick the chemical addition. The theory is that once you’re free of the chemical addiction, you can just drop the behavioral addiction.

    However, I won’t say this is a good product. Not only is it heavily overpriced but it likely doesn’t even work. Humans are more attached to behaviors so you’d probably have better luck dropping the smoking habit before the substance addiction. This comes back to patches and gums. Gum chewing is also habit-forming so in the end it’s back to nicotine patches or cold turkey. 😛 No easy way out, it seems.


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