1. Playdough. I can’t count the number of times I was told they weren’t actually cookies.
2. Also, no matter how hard you tried, playdough always ended in one colour: brown. no matter how many buckets you had, or how hard you tried to keep em separate, they always ended up brown. Which reflected the smell. (Thanks Jim!)
3. And if it wasn’t playdough, it was Tutti Fruity. Which I always thought was funny because it had toot in it. Also, no matter how hard they tried to make my red dough smell like strawberries, it always smelled like sweet shit, instead of normal shit.
4. When I was a kid, I was told to say “poop” instead of shit. Nowadays, I’m frowned on for saying “poop,” and am now encouraged to say shit. Weird, huh?
5. Beasties. Robots that turn into animals was really cool, but I look back on it and ask myself the following: why on earth would you transform from a robot with lasers and guns and shit into an animal with claws?!
6. Speaking of claws, why didn’t they install pop out lasers instead of claws on Wolverine? That would be so much less work.
7. Speaking of work, how on earth do red shades stop Cyclops from blowing shit up? Wouldn’t the lense eventually explode from all the energy being pumped into it? Maybe it’s all in his head. He should get a therapist.
8. Speaking of therapists, I never understood why I had to see one when I was little. I look back now and realize that she taught me about gaming. Which is what ended up being a driving factor in my life. Huh.
9. The selfsame therapist also thought my dad was “functional.” You can use that word on humans?
10. 2 words: Fresh Prince. (thanks again Jim!)
11. Speaking of T.V back then, it was frickin’ retarded. Caillou? Doug? Ren and Stimpy?! What the hell people, that shit was WEIRD.
12. And what the hell was Caillou doing, being bald at age 6? Did he have cancer? That’s not kosher, folks. And who the hell names their kid “rock?” Or “pebble?”
13. And who does so WILLINGLY?!
14. I mean, it’s like naming your kid Abcde, or Fghik.
15. Enough with shows, how about movies? Fern Gully was awesome when I was kid. I look back on it now and I think to myself, “What the rootin’ tootin’ hell is this?!” I now lump that movie in with the Pagemaster, and other weird Disney/Cartoon movies. Like Space Jam. (thanks Jim!)
…. BUT REALLY?! You know what would have been a better name for Caillou? Gorignak. Watch Galaxy Quest, and you’ll understand.