Phil Hates: Driving

My rule is look see, no touch.

My rule is look see, no touch.

If there is one thing that aggravates me to no end and makes me a nervous wreck more than even leading raids in WoW ever did, it is driving.

Actually, that’s factually inaccurate.  I liked leading raids.  A better comparison would be comparing driving to walking a tightrope where the penalty is falling on a spike bed of uranium tipped needles that, when pressure is applied, will explode with all the force of a small super-nova.

There’s a few problems I have with driving.  First, I would like to point out that it takes a huge investment to even get one.  Once you have one, it takes a huge investment to keep it running.  If anything damages your suicide rust bucket (all for you Kerrsplat) it costs a variable amount of money to keep it running or to fix the aesthetic impurities afflicted on said vehicle.

In other words, it’s expensive to buy, keep, and make pretty.

This leads to the big one: when I’m driving one of these metal boxes of high speed bankrupcy, I have a small problem.  The problem is this: I’m on the &^%$ing LEFT side of the ^%$#ing vehicle.  Not the middle, the LEFT.  It’s like keeping time with your foot loudly, or eating soup with a fork, or shooting yourself in the foot, or yelling ^%$# in a church, or even POSSIBLY, just MAYBE, like riding a bike with the seat 3 feet to the left.

It.  Is.  AWKWARD.

Humans have an interesting personification technique where they tend to associate the equipment they are using with themselves.  When people are riding a bike, and the bike gets a flat tire, people say “I got a flat tire,” rather than “my bike got a flat tire.”  It’s an interesting phenomenon, and I’ve heard it happens with cars too, kind of like being one with your car.

Well, I’d have this happen to me if the right side of my body was 6 times wider than my left side.  It feels like, when I’m driving, that I am the world’s most awkward teen who’s right side grew really fast, but the left side still was 5 years old.  Like a prepubescent Two Face.

Lastly, lets forget the incredibly large amount of rules with really expensive consequences, and the horrible drivers, and the complete and total lack of your guaranteed safety and those of others around you.

The biggest reason I hate driving is how tense I get.

Today, I drove for two hours along a highway, back roads, and a city.  All the different driving environments I could possibly be driving in.

When I got out of the car, my jaw was ACHING from how hard I clenched my jaw.  My knuckles were white.  My hands felt like I had muscle atrophy.  I was light headed from breathing so hard.

I.  LOATHED.  EVERY.  MINUTE OF IT.  I was so tense I could have made a diamond from coal.  I was so wound up I could launch a space shuttle.  I was so ready to spring I could have ambushed Solid Snake.

So yeah, I hate driving.  Suggestions?

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9 comments

  1. Make sure your significant other likes driving (mine does) and have her drive you places (mine does).

    And thank you for the “suicide rust bucket” mention. Totally made my day, 🙂

    Like

  2. @Curtis
    It’s not that I’m a BAD driver per se, but I am so nervous behind the wheel that I can’t STAND it.

    @Splat
    Now I only need to give Syrana her mention at long last… Croo croo bizatch.

    @Eldadres
    Yes, yes I do. But only when forced. 😀

    @Anonandonanon
    To be honest, I’d love one. The only problem is convincing Lorelai to let me get one 😀

    @Alex
    Mwahaha! You fall for my traps again Alex! This time you will not get away!

    Also, Fixt.

    Like

    1. Wild Alex has appeared..

      What will Phil do?
      Fight PKMN
      [Bag] Run

      Phil used a Master Ball

      AB AB AB AB AB AB

      Wild Alex was caught!

      Would you like to nickname the Wild Alex?

      The Wild Alex was named Aifel!

      Like

  3. Wow Phil! Sorry to hear driving is not fun for you. 😦

    I hate commuter traffic. I hate driving slow. I hate slow drivers. I hate people who use cell phones or text while driving. I hate “My kids an honor student at…” bumper stickers.

    But I LOVE driving! I love being by myself in my car. I love the alone time. I love listening to music. I love talking to the radio (and myself). I love Smacky (uh, that’s my car). I love driving warm summer nights. I love going through drive throughs. I love splashing through water.

    For me, my car is freedom.

    My dad gave me this nugget as we first pulled into traffic:
    Everyone on the road is crazy except you.

    Like

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